well, hello blog. it surely has been a long time! and how fitting that i decided to write a post on the very last day of 2023.

to be frank, it’s not that i don’t want to write, cos i do, as a matter of fact, enjoy writing. given the situation, i simply don’t have time to write, or most of the time, not sure of what to write.

anyway, i feel like 2023 has been a year of surprises, challenges, and perseverance. i crawled into the year coping with struggles of being a new mom, having internal struggles with my appearance, and self-worth. a lot of the time i have just been Lily’s mommy, and neglecting Yasmine’s needs. i think that’s where the struggle really took place, because i felt lost, but at the same time, not being able to feel out of place because hello, mom is a 24/7 job, and i need to be there for her around the clock. it felt like i needed to put on a facade so that i can be a functioning mommy for her at 100% capacity. but, it really tore me apart, and there were times of meltdown that i am not proud of, where i lost my sense of control. it was because my “mommy mode” kept barricading “the real yasmine” into hiding and neglecting her own priorities. that’s not how it should be! fortunately my husband was always there to help me when i had these meltdowns. he always knew what i was struggling with and so, he knew exactly what i needed, and how to put the two and two together so i can be myself again without having to neglect my job as a mom. it’s tiring, it’s a cycle but it definitely helped me. over time, i was able to amalgamate these two different personas i carry and function as both.

looking back into the year, we did a bit of traveling as a family too. we went to surabaya early of the year, then to singapore, to jakarta, to the different states within Malaysia, my husband also traveled to India and Dubai and finally to Houston, where Lily and I are still here. Traveling has always been our breathing space from work and family drama so i definitely cherished those moments we had together, and wishing to travel more in 2024.

along the way, my husband and I both had our fair share of successes and rewards of personal growths, like our promotions/ incentives/ new jobs/ passing exams/ new car/ new house/ achieving milestones (this would be Lily’s) and adopting our new baby, Gucci. Gucci is a BSH that we adopted from mom’s friend because Oreo needed a new company now that Lily and I are not in KL.

personally, i felt there were some losses/ or depressing moments mostly in the 2nd half of the year. with my temporary relocation to the other side of the world, i had to endure weeks of being away from Lily, months from my husband and both fur-babies. i still cry daily thinking of them, especially Oreo because he was my first baby, and had always accompany me at home, throughout my pregnancy, and pantang days. to be honest, i still feel unhappy because of this long-distance relationship, but also because i’m not sure what to expect of the future. i feel very uncertain of what’s to come in 2024, as if i have no control over it. i feel responsible, and at times guilty, for the choices i made and the effect it had on people i love.

going into 2024, i would like to be at least a little bit more hopeful. i would like to end this uncertainty, and have more authority of my own future. i would like to be reunited with all of them – my husband, Oreo and Gucci, and feel like we’re one big family again. a more personal aspiration would be to have more confidence with myself, and to stop downsizing myself in front of others. to speak up more, to stop criticising my own efforts, and to not be afraid of confrontations. i have a habit of avoiding confrontations and putting myself in a tough position afterwards, but i am tired of having to ignore and create ripple effects anymore, so i need to stop doing this. 2024 will be a year of self-growth, i hope.

and with that, i wish everyone a happy new year, and may we all be better versions of ourselves in the year to come.