Mommy misses you my cutie pie.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life…

Sometimes I question if I’m doing the right thing.

How can doing a right thing feels so wrong?

Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it.

Why do I have to sacrifice so much? I can’t bear the pain any longer.

I don’t know if it’s worth risking everything, but I feel like I’ve abandoned them. I feel hopeless, guilty, selfish, depressed, and truly lost. I feel like I’ve ruined everything that was perfect. I had a perfect family and I tore that apart, the moment I walked through the gate.

Today it breaks my heart to see that my baby is sick. I know she misses me. I know all that she wants is a warm hug from her mother. I know that she wants her safe space. She isn’t smiling, which makes me sad. She watches the screen like a zombie, and isn’t ecstatic to see her mother waving at her, singing at her from a virtual distance. She craves a physical presence. I know that because I can feel it. Yet, I am sad that I am not able to give her what she wants and needs.

How do you tell a 14 month old to stay strong?

I feel terrible for having to pray for that.

I love you, my dearest child. I love you so so so much. You are my everything.

Recently, I felt deeply wounded by actions of a certain someone who I cared and respected so much. The said person has helped me through hard times, and provided me with aid when I needed most. I was moved and truly overwhelmed by this person’s kindness and had inspired me to do the same to others one fine day.

Fast forward to almost a year later, I found my high school best friend to be in a similar situation I was in, and wanted to pay forward the kindness that certain someone has showed me. And I did. Little did I know, a few weeks later, this said person would request back one of the things that was gifted to me a year ago. However in her words, this one item was loaned to me, not gifted. This request of the specific item was raised just an hour after I had re-posted my friend’s posting on the items gifted to her by me (including that said item that I have passed on to her) on social media. My first thought was… what have I done? I felt disrupted, and was ashamed with the misinterpretation I’ve had all along. Had I known all along everything was just loaned to me, I would’ve given them all back once I no longer needed them. I carefully opened and re-read the hand-written letter that was sent to me together with the items, to make sure I was not misinterpreting anything.

“I’ve packed a couple of things you might want to try or use in your xxxxxxxxxx journey. No offense taken if you’re not comfortable with any of the items —- let me know and you can return it or pass it to another xxxx friend!”

Nothing in the letter hinted at anything being loaned, but it didn’t matter anymore, all I was thinking of was that I should be ashamed of myself for taking other people’s kindness for granted and how selfish I was for keeping them all to myself, then passing it on to others. How foolish, how naive.

Maybe as a reader, you may have thought that I was indeed in the wrong, and if it’s very obvious that it is my fault, I am very sorry for being oblivious about it.

This incident taught me invaluable lessons. Social media is a toxic environment, that fuels the worst out of a situation, even if the message is a positive one. Secondly, never take kindness from others blatantly. It comes with many risks and consequences. However thankful and touched we feel about it, people evolve, and they can leverage that against you.

All in all, any issues between myself and this said person have been resolved. But, I can never forget this incident as it changed my perspective towards a person I thought was a guardian angel to me, a person I respected most, and looked up to, for the kindness this person has radiated to me and others. In the end, my intention of spreading the same kindness that inspired me, bit me in the back, and worst of all, left me feeling like I was the worst person on earth for taking others’ for granted.

Life lesson for me (and maybe others too): Do kindness for Allah, and only Him, never for others. Never do it so you can get recognition from mere humans, but do it cos you know Allah will reward you tenfold later on. If you do it for Him, you will never expect anything in return, never be disappointed with the consequences, and never be displeased with how your kindness resonate with others. In the end, Allah is the only audience that matters.

it has been the best one year of my life. a year where i stepped into the world of motherhood, a year filled with excitement, with immense love and happiness, a year of firsts, a year of trials and errors, a year of having life filled with joy now that you’re part of my world.

i don’t even know where to begin. i still can’t believe it’s been one whole year. it feels just like few weeks ago that i gave birth to you. it seems almost unfair that time went too fast. i still can remember the time you could barely open your eyes… now you just can’t stop walking around the house while yakking about.

i’m sooo in love with you, lily. of course, you can’t compare my love for you like the affection i have for your dad, but my love for you is endless, and unmatched. i am always grateful to have that beautiful smile i look forward to first thing in the morning, to have that warm hug i look forward to as we pick you up from mak, to your constant yakking, to watching you grow beyond your milestones, to basically just being you. i love you for you.

and i want you to know that we will do our best to guide you in this life, and that you will always have me and your dad to support you. life is always going to be an uphill battle, but don’t be scared because you’re not alone.

i will always thank God for gifting you to me, because even though it’s sad to think that we’re only temporary in this world, you’re forever etched in my soul and in my mind. you are my life now Lily, part of the reason why I live and breathe, aside from your dad. and i thank God for such a wonderful and beautiful daughter, and i take this gift with such pride and honor that I am and will continue to do my very best to take care of you with the utmost care, to teach you the ways of the God, and to keep you safe and sound, and to making sure that that smile never fades from your lovely face. that is my promise.

whatever happens in this life, Lily, thank you for making me your mother. i love you very much, and happy 1 year, my dear.

If one could age so drastically in a year, that would be me in 2022. I have grown from someone who is self-conscious — from constantly thinking about how I need to maintain my weight below a certain scale, ensuring my 8 hours of daily hibernation, maintaining my monthly facial care, ticking off weekly checklists of where to go and what to do, to becoming a total different, more matured self — a very sleep-deprived mother who can’t seem to get rid of her eye-bags (and believe it or not, I actually spent a fraction of my savings $$$$ to do derma fillers under my eyes, which I regretfully paid for), with a permanent scoliosis (this is exaggerated but I do feel permanent pain in my upper back — new parents understand this!), to not giving a damn about my weight anymore since I can’t seem to get rid of the excess 7 kg no matter what I do, to always having to pump everywhere I go, to not fulfilling my weekend checklists cos I’m always so tired, and getting very minimal self-care time which I feel instant regret afterwards because what kind of a mother would I be for putting myself first before my own baby?? and the list goes on…

Cliché as it sounds, it truly has been a roller coaster ride. No one knows this side of me but within these solid walls, I’m a bit of an emotional wreck. This year has been a patent display of exactly that, in which it has been both mentally draining and spiritually uplifting all at the same time. It’s a little confusing for any sane person to understand this part but I don’t know how to say it any better. I’m someone who looks at the glass half full, so I don’t like to say that I’ve lost a part of myself in the process. Instead, I like to believe that somehow I’ve evolved to become this new, more matured, but also more emotionally complex person that… at most times I can’t seem to accept but simply forced to.

The truth of the matter is not all life changing journeys are 100% positive. Just like how my motherhood journey are not all rainbows and sunshine. There’s no denying the fact that I love being a mother to Lily, but it’s like, I’m also going through some kind of metamorphosis like a larvae… cocooning itself… just waiting to be transformed into this butterfly, except… I’m still waiting in this cocoon, and asking myself where are my wings, how long more am i cocooning , when can I become this said butterfly? And if you’re still not getting any of this, this said butterfly translates to my mental stability at 100% and long term happiness and acceptance of my now completely different self. Oh well, I may make it sound so bad, but again this is just how I feel. It has very little to do with my responsibilities as a mother to Lily, or how Lily makes me feel, because she is my whole world now. This is just me ploughing deep through my garden of thoughts and sharing with you a snippet of a completely raw self-reflection of my 2022 journey.

With love,

Yasmine

as i watch you sleep, i can’t help but wonder what kind of a person you will be in years to come. you are going to have a bright future ahead of you, dad and i will make sure of it.

but, let’s not rush the time.

sometimes i worry too much of what’s to come, i forget to cherish the present. i want to treasure our days together, especially during these three brief months with you. how i wish it could remain like this forever, but i can’t…

and so, i promise not to rush the time.

funny how you’ve completely taken over my world, and for this short-lived period, i know i’m all about yours. do take your time to learn the rest of the world, but please…

you don’t have to rush the time.

let me carry you as far as i can, for as long as i can. let me understand you while i watch you grow to become the person you will be. let me hear your cries for they are mine. let me see your smiles for they are also mine. let me hear your laughs for they are mine too. hold my hand for as long as you can, for your heart is carved into mine forever.

so, please don’t rush the time…

because my love for you is boundless, endless, timeless.

Well, now that we officially have a third-wheeler in the house (+ Oreo our furry child, but he doesn’t go out much), I guess it’s fair to commemorate every weekend trip like a mini celebration. I mean, why not, right? At least I get to finally update this blog after what seemed like a gazillion years. 🤪

And yes, you guessed it right — I’m typing this out while holding Lily in one arm. 😌 Being a parent really does make one a multi-tasker, if one isn’t already.

So, here goes.

On the 20th of August, the three of us (mainly decided by the two adults lol) finally stepped outside of our lovely abode to do something productive. We didn’t want to go someplace crowded, and we wanted fresh air, so to the park it was! We decided for KLCC park because it was nearby, we’re very familiar with it, and we know it was stroller-friendly.

But oh so long were the easy-going days. Normally, if the plan was to reach some place by 8 am, we would get up by 7:30, get ready, pack up a bottle of water, wallets, phones, the electronics — watches for tracking and airpods for music, oh you know, the essentials — and off we go!

However, now that we have our little third wheeler, the essentials come with a pretty long list. Now, we need to pack up a baby bag, throw in some diapers, a change of clothes — oh wait, maybe add in an extra change of clothes, cos you know… just in case, a muslin, baby wipes, a carrier — you know in case she gets all fussy and needs to be carried, a pacifier, hot water, warm water, formula — again just in case breast milk isn’t enough, 2-maybe-3 bottles of milk prepared, the whole shebang of breast pump things, cooler bags to keep the fresh milks, car seat, stroller, and the list goes on.

Mind you, this is just for a 2-hour outing, maximum 3.

Some will probably say that we’re being paranoid to pack up so much crap for just a trip to the park, but I say it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Well, where was I? Oh yes, the plan was to reach the park by 8 am. Well, everyone got up by 7:30. But who are we kidding, with daddy having to shower Lily, get her ready, feed her, and mommy having to pump, pack, and not forgetting that we both needed to get ready too, we finally reached the park at 10! Hahahaaha 🤪 Yes, yes, we have a lot to work on the timing but give us new parents a break please.

Lily was asleep when we reached the park. It was 10 am, so fortunately there were not a lot of people walking/jogging about. We had the place pretty much to ourselves. Mommy managed to get some steps in, while of course pushing the stroller, and daddy went for a jog. We had such a nice time. Although we managed just a couple of rounds, we loved that we get to be out and about again, just like pre-pregnancy days. We hope that soon we would get to introduce our little Lily to more adventures, and to share our love for hiking with her. We’ll get there soon, but for now, baby steps.

All in all, Lily-Rose’s first trip ever, albeit just KLCC park, was a success. She behaved the entire experience and I was just the happiest mom. It’s safe to say, she loved going to parks now. Hoping it’s a weekly thing, fingers crossed. 🤞🏻

Happy 1 month, my dearest Lily-Rose. Mommy loves you with all her heart, and I’m sure Daddy is too.

If you must know, some 8 months ago, mommy was in a rollercoaster of emotions after discovering she was carrying you. I was in a state of shock that I had 4 pregnancy tests done just to be sure. I must apologize for the moments I’ve doubted you, my child. I was merely afraid of accepting the fact that my life would change when you came around. But, of course, I didn’t know any better at that time.

Fast forward to 9 months of baking, 24 hours of getting induced, and 7 hours of active labor later, I finally held you in my arms. I had no words, my love, for you were so perfect. I couldn’t believe that Allah SWT had given me this blessed opportunity to carry you… gave birth to you… and now to nurture you as your mother. Even hearing the title ‘mother’ makes me extremely humbled — such privilege that comes with mighty responsibility. For that, I am most honored to be your mother.

As a fetus, you have never given me a hard time, my love. For that, I always thanked God almighty for giving me such a calm and a positive pregnancy, Alhamdulillah.

Now that you’re here in the Dunya, I pray that God gives mommy and daddy the strength and the means to provide you a good life and to raise you up with the right teachings for you to bring to the Afterlife. I pray nothing but the best for you, my love. You really are the apple of my eye. Cheesy as it may sound, it’s surreal to think that I could love a human being that I literally just met. We may just be communicating through midnight cries, feeding time, and nappy changes for now, but I promise you that we will be the best of friends when you can talk later. I promise to be a good mommy to you. You can count on me, Lily-Rose. Mommy loves you and will do anything for you. ♥️