If one could age so drastically in a year, that would be me in 2022. I have grown from someone who is self-conscious — from constantly thinking about how I need to maintain my weight below a certain scale, ensuring my 8 hours of daily hibernation, maintaining my monthly facial care, ticking off weekly checklists of where to go and what to do, to becoming a total different, more matured self — a very sleep-deprived mother who can’t seem to get rid of her eye-bags (and believe it or not, I actually spent a fraction of my savings $$$$ to do derma fillers under my eyes, which I regretfully paid for), with a permanent scoliosis (this is exaggerated but I do feel permanent pain in my upper back — new parents understand this!), to not giving a damn about my weight anymore since I can’t seem to get rid of the excess 7 kg no matter what I do, to always having to pump everywhere I go, to not fulfilling my weekend checklists cos I’m always so tired, and getting very minimal self-care time which I feel instant regret afterwards because what kind of a mother would I be for putting myself first before my own baby?? and the list goes on…

Cliché as it sounds, it truly has been a roller coaster ride. No one knows this side of me but within these solid walls, I’m a bit of an emotional wreck. This year has been a patent display of exactly that, in which it has been both mentally draining and spiritually uplifting all at the same time. It’s a little confusing for any sane person to understand this part but I don’t know how to say it any better. I’m someone who looks at the glass half full, so I don’t like to say that I’ve lost a part of myself in the process. Instead, I like to believe that somehow I’ve evolved to become this new, more matured, but also more emotionally complex person that… at most times I can’t seem to accept but simply forced to.

The truth of the matter is not all life changing journeys are 100% positive. Just like how my motherhood journey are not all rainbows and sunshine. There’s no denying the fact that I love being a mother to Lily, but it’s like, I’m also going through some kind of metamorphosis like a larvae… cocooning itself… just waiting to be transformed into this butterfly, except… I’m still waiting in this cocoon, and asking myself where are my wings, how long more am i cocooning , when can I become this said butterfly? And if you’re still not getting any of this, this said butterfly translates to my mental stability at 100% and long term happiness and acceptance of my now completely different self. Oh well, I may make it sound so bad, but again this is just how I feel. It has very little to do with my responsibilities as a mother to Lily, or how Lily makes me feel, because she is my whole world now. This is just me ploughing deep through my garden of thoughts and sharing with you a snippet of a completely raw self-reflection of my 2022 journey.

With love,

Yasmine