Mommy misses you my cutie pie.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life…

Sometimes I question if I’m doing the right thing.

How can doing a right thing feels so wrong?

Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it.

Why do I have to sacrifice so much? I can’t bear the pain any longer.

I don’t know if it’s worth risking everything, but I feel like I’ve abandoned them. I feel hopeless, guilty, selfish, depressed, and truly lost. I feel like I’ve ruined everything that was perfect. I had a perfect family and I tore that apart, the moment I walked through the gate.

Today it breaks my heart to see that my baby is sick. I know she misses me. I know all that she wants is a warm hug from her mother. I know that she wants her safe space. She isn’t smiling, which makes me sad. She watches the screen like a zombie, and isn’t ecstatic to see her mother waving at her, singing at her from a virtual distance. She craves a physical presence. I know that because I can feel it. Yet, I am sad that I am not able to give her what she wants and needs.

How do you tell a 14 month old to stay strong?

I feel terrible for having to pray for that.

I love you, my dearest child. I love you so so so much. You are my everything.